The Superfan's Guide to the NF Season

So clearly this blog isn't going to be a regular thing. More a sporadic burst every few months. Or every few days if I feel like it. Oh just subscribe to the damn RSS feed!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! And Happy Valentine's Day. There, that's that one covered.

So as this is my fourth(ish) year of religiously following the national finals (NFs) from across Europe, I thought it would only be fair of me to finally share the wisdom and genius I've picked up over the years. Trust me, if you're just starting out on this niche road, you should really give these 8 simple rules a quick read.

1. Prepare Your Internet
If, like most of us, you're unlucky enough not to have one of those massive satellite dishes that let you pick up practically any channel from Europe, Asia and possibly even beyond, then you're going to have to experience the majority of the NF season through your computer. Ensure you're on an unlimited download internet plan as you're going to be using A LOT of bandwidth over the next few months. If you're using Wi-Fi, pray to god that you're not going to lose signal during Russia or Melodifestivalen. Keep an emergency Ethernet cable on your person at all times.

2. Prepare Your Armoury
You don't want to find a webcast that's being hosted on software that you haven't yet installed. Make sure you're already equipped with the latest versions of Windows Media Player, Flash (you haven't got the internet if you haven't got Flash), RealPlayer (yes, it's awful, we know!) and most bizarrely... and perhaps most importantly, Octoshape. If you're as embarrassed about following Eurovision as I am then a set of headphones are essential to keep the room deadly quiet. Otherwise use some really loud speakers to get the full effect!

3. Prepare a Timetable
Make sure you've got a record of dates and times at hand so you know exactly when you need to make that excuse during the night so you can quickly leave the room ("I've...got hepatitis. Bye."). Try and be aware in advance of which website the stream will be on so you can navigate your way there without any fuss. It's also useful to know the channel that it's being broadcast on in the country of origin so that if your webcast dies you can frantically attempt to find another one on Google by typing in "NRK1 live" or whatever and praying for the best (annoyingly the best rarely happens).

4. Prepare Yourself for Disappointment
It's easy to get your hopes up during the day for a night of pure NFs but do be aware that streams are often of dreadful quality. Whether this is down to a poor country's broadcaster having a really shoddy satellite that cuts out every five seconds and has wonky sound, or a very popular NF's stream being watched by too many fans. Whichever way it is, it's incredibly irritating but an all too common occurrence during the season. Just be grateful for YouTube.

5. Prepare Yourself for Boredom
There's nothing quite as tedious as a very long conversation in a very ugly language taking place between each song. Or how about a really long performance of something you have no interest in. You'll know what I mean if you were watching the Greek NF of 2009: a 40 minute 'tribute' to each and every sodding decade of Eurovision which was followed by Sakis finally performing (miming) three very average songs (R Jade, bless her was the only live one that night). Oh and there was also the 50 minute Ruslana concert in 2007 or 2008 in Malta between the entries and the results. All this happens regularly. Come up with ideas to make it more exciting: drinking games, cleaning, toilet breaks, Kit Kat eating. The possibilities are endless. As is the conversation or performance you're trying to avoid.

6. Prepare Yourself for Confusion
At most there's only going to be two or three NF conducted in your language so most of what you watch is going to make little sense to you. Formats of NFs vary dramatically from country to country. Some have straight televoting, some have a 'super-final', some have formats that don't actually work (Netherlands 2010). So if at first you think that your favourite has lost, wait a few more minutes just in case the one you thought had won has actually come third (and for some inexplicable reason is really happy about that (Malta every year)) or qualified into a super-final with the second wildcard of the fourth semi-final with the jury vote. You may laugh but it's probably happened in Slovakia or something.

7. Prepare Yourself for Clashes
This is inevitable. There's always going to be a night where at least two of the NFs you really wanted to see are on at the same time. Don't panic. Be aware of which NFs will be available on demand immediately after the show. If you play your cards right and avoid the fan sites and forums you should be able to watch the non-live NF without the result being ruined for you. Well fingers crossed anyway. If you're well aware of when one NF finishes then see if there's another final you could be watching as soon as that finishes, even if it's just 10 minutes. They could be the most exciting 10 minutes of the show! Another technique is to watch the performances of one NF, then as soon as they're finished flick over to another final and find out the results of the last one on a fan site.

8. Prepare Your Community Spirit
For me, part of the fun of the season is watching with fellow fans. Belittling and bitching about the worst entries will make your night complete, or at least fill in the gaps provided by those long foreign conversations! I've spent many a dark NF night in the company of the Eurovision fans of British entertainment site Digital Spy where we've all developed a delightful rapport with each other. If you're one for genuine bitchiness and even a bit of national offence then I'd almost certainly recommend the comments section of ESC Today where things get more than a little heated. At the most exciting of finals it almost compares to the comments section of a YouTube video! And that's saying something!

I think that probably covers the basics (and a bit more) for now. Feel free to leave your hints and tips in the comments for anything I might have missed.

In the meantime, scowl about the Netherlands' entry whilst desperately trying to get it out of your head.